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Live LOST

February 2, 2010

Stay tuned kids! Liveblogging of the season premiere of LOST commences in just a few hours.

The time is almost nigh, kids! Before casting your glance further, do be advised that spoilers certainly follow.

When last we left our three dozen protagonists, Juliet was hammering away at a hydrogen bomb at the bottom of a hole. The parallels between LOST and our current American polity run deep.

Previously on LOST! We begin with Jacob. The Previouslies are always awesome – a little puzzle-key to what happens next. “Free will” seems to be the catch phrase tonight. The hour-long Prev-Seen ends with it; Jacob reminds pre-stabby Ben that whatever happens it’s HIS CHOICE.

And we begin! We appear to be pre-815 crash! Did the plan work? Too soon to tell!

Oh no! Turbulence!

It seems to have passed! Series over!

Or not. Jack seems to have cut himself on an ice cube. Terrifying consequences ahead, to be sure.

Desmond appears! The time line has certainly changed. Jack has some deja vu, a natural consequence of shifting the entire universe about. Dezzy: “Nice to meet you, Jack. OR TO SEE YOU AGAIN.” Ominous scotch, brothah.

We’re apparently flying right over the ole island and are treated to a rapid-zoom underwater view of the ocean-bottom island, complete with Greco-Egyptian Anubis-type statue foot. I’m mildly disappointed with the CGI. Sort of expect Nemo to poke his cute little face out from behind the spooky statuary.

Wait. Now we’re back in 1977 again. Juliet is hammering away at the H-bomb. Something is afoot, kids!

Kate’s up in a tree. She may have seen a shirtless man up there; just a theory.

Wait, she appears to be deaf. I’m always impressed by the tightness of the jeans worn on the island. Sour dough starter anyone?

Miles! I’ve always liked Miles. He’s like Jin’s pervy bizarro self. I digress.

Hmmm. It appears that we’re back in present day. Jack and Sawyer are unconscious next to the Swan Station post-Dezzy explosion. Sawyer’s freaking out! Face kick! (First of many?)

Bloooooop! We’re back in the non-crashy time line! Methinks we’re dealing with a little multi-world scenario here. Kate’s a prisoner, and Hurley is the luckiest guy alive!

Zhooooooox! Back in Island world! Sayid’s bleeding! And? And!! Juliet appears to be alive beneath the rubble!

Sayid is bleeding an awful lot of tempera paint. The jungle rustles, and – of all things! Hurley grabs a pistol! We really are in an alternate time line.

Who is it? JACOB, BITCHES! It’s about to get all free willy up in here, you wait.

….and we’re back to non-crash time. BUTTON YOUR SWEATER YOU WHORE. Jin’s a charmer again!

Locke is gimpy again, but a survivalist all the same. Boone lives again! It’s interesting what small details have changed. Boone didn’t retrieve Shannon after all, and Locke appears to have done the walkabout. Hrmmmm.

Now we’re in…. Well, who the eff knows what timeline this is. Nemesis Locke is wiping Jacob juice off his Bowie knife and Linus is sniveling about the stabby.

Back on the beach in who-knows-when. Others are mixing with 316-ers. Linus, who is now Nemesis Locke’s errand boy, is summoning Richard Alpert (Google the name if you don’t know he’s Ram Das!) to toast marshmallows over the cheerily burning messiah/demigod (mmm – deity!). Oooh, Richard goes gorilla on Ben. Locke wants to talk to me? LOOK WHO’S DEAD BIOTCH. Actually he’s much more genteel, but he’s pretty mad.

Back in still-on-the-Island time! Sawyer is digging in the rubble and hulking out like someone buried his paperbacks and some pork rinds down there.

Hurley is going for a stroll with God – I mean Jacob.

God I love Hurley. “You’re dead? Sorry dude, that sucks.” The dudey aplomb with which he greets all adversity never fails to delight.

Poof! Jacob is gone. Let’s drag the Muslim around in the back of the van! “Jin take me somewhere random. I’ll show you were I hid the ranch dressing!”

Guess we’re making a pit stop to save Jules. Priorities, Jin!

Sawyer is PISSED. Because Jack stabbing him about 10 seasons ago didn’t make him mad, but buried girlfriend – you’ve gone too far, yankee!

Zooooooop! Back in non-crashy time. Charlie! He’s alive! No, wait. He’s ODing. God, he can’t catch a break.

Let’s save Charlie! Jack and Nurse Sayid to the rescue! Sayid should suggest torture. That’d wake him up!

Oh look. Charlie wasn’t ODing. He almost choked to death on a balloon of heroin! The irony. Drugs kill, kids.

Yeeeeeeeeex! Back in whatever the eff. Sawyer is screaming like a debutante who mixed up mace with her hairspray. AAA got the rubble off of Jules! She’s got spaghetti sauce all over her. Sawyer is going to rescue her one limb at a time.

Jules confesses that she actually blew up the bomb. Sawyer reacts like she just drank his last PBR. It’ll all be good.

Sayid is dying quick. Hurley can save him! Luckily we’ve been together long enough that any damn thing anyone says is believable. “I have to take him to the Temple. I’ll need 20 unicorn foreskins and some leprechaun gold.” “Okay, Stay-Pufft!”

Random machine gun guys are invading the temple! They’re really pissed about the whole Jacob is dead thing and they’re not amused by Nemesis Locke’s hijinks. Kerpow! Shots fired!

Nemesis Locke skitters away, though. And…. vanishes!

Holycrapsmokemonster!! I don’t think we’ve ever seen it this up close before. Smoke Monster MAD. If you did a bong hit of smoke monster there’s no way you’d be able to go see Avatar without losing your MIND, man. It’s a metaphor, kids. Remember, drugs killed Charlie. Almost.

Smoke Monster kicks ass (it always sounds like a dot matrix printer to me), then zoops away. Here’s Nemesis Locke. “I’m sorry you had to see me that way”??? Is Smoke Monster actually Nemesis? (That’s the implication; it’s a rhetorical question.)

Back! The sounds Sawyer and Jules are making while he rubbles for her are like a Transformer orgy without lube.

Jules wants a big Jimmy kiss. It IS gonna be an orgy! Actually I suspect that’s the “I’m about to die” kiss. She has something to tell you, Sawyer. Lean in close!

Oh, she died. Sawyer is sad, and I guess has to kill Jack now. I bet she was going to say “Rosebud.”

NON-CRASHY TIME. Charlie’s under arrest! And ungrateful. Dezzy appears to have disappeared, but no one is too alarmed.

Slow-mo sequence! Everyone is settling into the landing. Everything is normal, but they all seem to feel a vague melancholy for the life they’re not living, for the time line LOST. Charlie marched out in handcuffs. Kate headed to trial. Jack off to lay some nurses. Sayid looking for his torturewife. Hurley needs a snack. Locke is loaded into his wheelie.

And?

And?

Part two in a minute!!

And we’re back!!

Sayid is bleeding some more. They’re taking him to the temple while Sawyer prepares to bury Jules. Hurley isn’t answering any questions – he grew a big pair when the bomb went off!

Non-crashy time! Jack’s dad’s coffin is…. LOST!!

Quickly back to bleedy Sayid time. They’re at the temple, but Hurley is in charge. Apparently they’re going into the temple through the crawl space. There’s a copy of a Kierkegaard book in the detritus, and an armless corpse. Hurley declares that this trip will be teh awesome.

Spooky whisperin’s! Has Kate vanished? Jack’s about to get Sawyery.

THUD! THUD! Scuttle scuttle! Weird strangers have kidnapped them! More Others? How many arcane tribes can this island hold? The crew is hauled outside and… THE TEMPLE.

Back in non-crashy time! Kate’s picking her handcuff locks! She jumps the marshall! He’s down! Fugitive Kate resurgent, and of course she’s in the elevator with Sawyer! Mmmm. He wants her to be his 341.

Back in Temple Time. They’ve buried Jules, and Sawyer wants Miles to do his ghost whisperer thing and find out what she was going to say when she died. (I totally forgot he had that power.) WHAT DID SHE WANT TO SAY?

“It worked.”

Hmmmm. Did it? By “it” does she mean that she figured if she smacked an H-bomb with a rock she’d die? Because that seems to have panned out nicely. I’m sure it means something significant, actually. We all know the dying are preternaturally wise.

Hurley, Jack, Kate, and Jin are at the temple with the temple weirdies. They want to kill our friends, but Hurley’s all “Jacob sent me!” Quasi Asian temple chieftain busts open the guitar case, which appears to hold a balsa wood ankh, INSIDE of which is a wee note from Jacob. Haven’t these demigods heard of FedEx? That ankh would’ve been a nice Pottery Barn home decor piece, but now it’s toothpicks.

They’re going to help Sayid! Why? The note (apparently) says if he dies “they’re all in a lot of trouble.” No one wants a smokemonster spanking.

If you can send balsa wood notes after you’ve died I’m not sure what the down side is.

Back in non-crashy time! Jin’s getting busted for bringing a fat sack of cash into the country. He should’ve hid it in Sun’s sweater. Sun’s all “Me no speakee English,” but she’s pleased as punch to be rid of him. Now she can wear her hot pants and that low-cut buttonless sweater. WHO NEEDS TO BUTTON UP NOW, JIN?

Temple Time!! They’re taking Sayid to the “spring” for some healing, but it looks kind of like…. a big toilet. Seriously. Urine is resurrection juice? Too far, producers. Keep your weird golden shower thing to yourselves. Anyway apparently the mojo is gone. Quasi Asian Temple Dude cuts the crap out of his hand and dips it in the water to test it out. I’d probably have just pricked my finger or something. That’s gonna need some stitches, and now he’s got pee in it to boot.

Temple chieftain is agitated. “If we do this there are risks”? Like what? Dying? They take Sayid into the water, though the coveralls have to come off first. The tank top, apparently, is okay. Sayid gets submerged for a looooong time, and everyone gets upset. Because they know how the resurrection thing works?

Oops. Looks like they killed him. Sometimes that happens when you get shoved face down into a huge pool of urine for two minutes. Jack commences the totally half-hearted CPR he’s an expert at. I fold towels with more vigor, seriously. Who licensed this guy?

No, really, looks like Sayid is dead. And really wet. And probably smelly if that’s pee. Sorry, I’m obsessed, it looks GROSS.

Baggage claim! We really are in hell. Kate is, of course, skulking around. BECAUSE SHE’S A BADASS. Security people are all wandering around like she’s not a terrorist. Kate sneaks out through the employee section and gets in line for a taxi. Because that’s a good way to escape.

Yep. She’s busted. Now she’s in a high speed chase with Preggy Claire as her hostage. Wheeeee!

Back in temple time. It’s snack time by the massive urinal! Miles and Sawyer are hauled in, freshly knocked around.

Chieftain calls Hurley in for a pow-wow. Chiefy is apparently growing some killer weed back there. Hurley drops the bomb – Jacob is dead!

Everyone’s flipping out!! Shoot off the fireworks! They have to keep HIM out! WHO IS HIM? Is it Nemesis??

Back to the Jacob stabby site. Nemesis Locke is telling Ben about how sad and confused Locke was when Ben strangled him. It is a bummer to get the garrote, I’d imagine. Locke (real Locke) was apparently the best of the Islanders because he realized how sucky life was off the island. The irony? That Nemsis Locke wants to “go home.” I’m presuming he doesn’t mean Rockville. Based on the Satanic gleam in his eye I’m guessing it involves everyone dying everywhere.

Back at the Toilet Temple. Yep. Sayid’s dead. Hurley says “Later, dude.”

Kate wakes Sawyer up from his rock-smashing snooze. People on LOST get more shit kicked out of them. After six seasons you’d think they’d all have horrible scarring and disfigurements. I guess if the Island can make Locke walk again it can manage scar tissue, too. Seriously, though, no one’s broken a nose yet?

Jack looks like he’s got indigestion; Sawyer looks pissed. Dead girlfriend kinda pissed.

Non-crashy time! Jack is trying to explain to his mom how he lost his dad’s body. God, son – you can’t be trusted with anything. Jack tells Locke about the missing body and Locke tries to lay some wisdom on him. “They didn’t lose your father, they lost his body.” Deep, Lex Luthor!

Jack offers to heal Locke’s paralysis. Because that’s what he does.

Back in weird time! On the beach with the Others, the 316-ers, and Richard. They see the fireworks! That must mean that Toilet Temple Time and 316-er Time are the same! Thank god there’s only 17 time lines to follow now.

Nemesis comes stalking out and Richard knows exactly what he’s dealing with, because he’s been around a bajillion years. Also his eyeliner gives him powers. None of that helps him avoid the Nemesis ass-kicking though! Nemesis is MAD! He tosses Richard over his shoulder like some potatoes and carries him off, possibly for sodomy. Smoke Monster is one bad mofo.

Back in the Temple! Hippy temple dude wants a private word with Jack. Of course, them is fightin words, because nothing makes Jack Shepherd angrier than a private conversation, but before Jack can kick some hippy ass….

SAYID COMES BACK TO LIFE!

Fade to:

L O S T

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 2, 2010 9:30 pm

    The CGI was an absolute joke. Methinks they blew the budget on Dharma mac and cheese.

  2. February 2, 2010 10:06 pm

    That ending? Some of the best three minutes I’ve spent as of late. Nice job, monkey. G’night. 🙂

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